therapy

She had a hard therapy session tonight, and went straight out for a drink instead of coming home. I guess I would have done the same. She said, I'm not sure if I can do this. She said, it is more than she bargained for, and that she cried the entire time. Broke my heart. I shouldn't have, but I did send her this email.

"It's confusing and heartbreaking that you rely on people who barely know you during this difficult time. I am the one who knows you more than anyone. I understand you more than you know. I feel so helpless texting and emailing. It's a time in which we should be communicating and connecting. An opportunity to open the wounds, clear the old debris, and heal together. A chance to love and trust each other on a deeper level than ever before. I want so much to prove that I can be strong for you in a way that none of your friends could ever possibly be."

I want her to need me, but she doesn't. I want to be her hero, but I am the goat. I make problems worse not better. The time and energy I have poured into her and living with her depression and anxiety and anger and meanness, it is nothing to her now. Somehow she thinks I haven't been there for her, but she is wrong. I am the only one who has been there for her. Not her friends or her family, but me. Maybe I'm not the best communicator and I cannot sit and talk about some things without getting defensive, but I am here. I have supported her and helped her manage this for years. When I met her she was on meds in therapy. I didn't understand it. I knew I couldn't fix her or save her, but she was special, and I knew it from the moment I saw her. I would be her hero, her rock. Where all others had failed - stupid guys just taking advantage of her insecurities trying to get laid, her cheating ex husband, her abusive father - I would succeed. I would be the one constant in the turmoil. I would never abandon her or betray her, not matter she did or said to me. I am not perfect but I have true to that unspoken promise whether she now wants me or not, I held up my end as best I could.