separation anxiety http://separationanxiety.posterous.com i miss my wife. i miss my life. posterous.com Thu, 07 Jun 2012 22:12:00 -0700 nyc http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/nyc http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/nyc

She is leaving for NYC tomorrow with a couple friends. I'm not worried anymore that he is going. How could she tell a lie of that magnitude now? I struggled all night not to reach out and touch her. It is torture. She is right there. She looks so beautiful, so thin and strong and healthy. I count in my head how many times we might have made love these past two weeks apart. I daydream about her all day long. Her body and lips pressing against me. Like yesterday and the day before and the day before, I wonder if today is the day she will realize she must come back. But of course it isn't. I am worried about her. Tonight she seems so tired and defeated. Last thing she needs is a drunken weekend of late nights. At least she won't be spending much time thinking about me. So great for her. I told her tonight that she should go away to a spa for a few days. Just get off the grid and relax. This separation is increasing her axiety level. She is short with the kids, everytime I take a deep breath and exhale, she says "what is wrong with you?!". Her therapy session yesterday opened some wounds. It was on her mind all day I think. We bailed on a school thing and had a pretty good family dinner tonight. Not exactly fun but calm at least. When she left tonight she bent down and gave me a good hug. I drank it up. I took a deep breath of her. I felt her warm skin and strong muscles. And then she pulled back and turned away. Two seconds that will sustain me until tomorrow. She is not broken. I love her. I hope she sleeps tonight.

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Thu, 07 Jun 2012 11:47:00 -0700 work to do http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/work-to-do http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/work-to-do

After an uncomfortable exchage of text messages, I got her to tell me what I need to work if I go to therapy.

"You're passive aggressive, volatile, overly dependent, jealous, and insecure."

I can work with that.

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Thu, 07 Jun 2012 01:50:00 -0700 reply http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/reply http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/reply

A nice reply to my email.

"I'm not confiding in anyone. Maybe J but otherwise my friends are a big nothing.  They mean nothing but a light, happy good time. It's a means of escape from my own head. I'm not confiding in anyone believe me. I am in serious need of some time alone. It won't last forever. I can only hope you'll still be around. If not, it's my loss and I deserve it."

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Wed, 06 Jun 2012 21:51:00 -0700 therapy http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/therapy http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/therapy

She had a hard therapy session tonight, and went straight out for a drink instead of coming home. I guess I would have done the same. She said, I'm not sure if I can do this. She said, it is more than she bargained for, and that she cried the entire time. Broke my heart. I shouldn't have, but I did send her this email.

"It's confusing and heartbreaking that you rely on people who barely know you during this difficult time. I am the one who knows you more than anyone. I understand you more than you know. I feel so helpless texting and emailing. It's a time in which we should be communicating and connecting. An opportunity to open the wounds, clear the old debris, and heal together. A chance to love and trust each other on a deeper level than ever before. I want so much to prove that I can be strong for you in a way that none of your friends could ever possibly be."

I want her to need me, but she doesn't. I want to be her hero, but I am the goat. I make problems worse not better. The time and energy I have poured into her and living with her depression and anxiety and anger and meanness, it is nothing to her now. Somehow she thinks I haven't been there for her, but she is wrong. I am the only one who has been there for her. Not her friends or her family, but me. Maybe I'm not the best communicator and I cannot sit and talk about some things without getting defensive, but I am here. I have supported her and helped her manage this for years. When I met her she was on meds in therapy. I didn't understand it. I knew I couldn't fix her or save her, but she was special, and I knew it from the moment I saw her. I would be her hero, her rock. Where all others had failed - stupid guys just taking advantage of her insecurities trying to get laid, her cheating ex husband, her abusive father - I would succeed. I would be the one constant in the turmoil. I would never abandon her or betray her, not matter she did or said to me. I am not perfect but I have true to that unspoken promise whether she now wants me or not, I held up my end as best I could. 

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Wed, 06 Jun 2012 15:52:00 -0700 doughnuts http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/doughnuts http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/doughnuts

She did stop for doughnuts, which was fun. A light moment. A tiny connection. Easy morning and some texts from her about our son at a school outing to the beach. One stupid text from me earlier about sending her a pic of me from the gym with my shirt off. Why do I feel compelled to be a fucking idiot? Otherwise chill. Going to make it through the day with no conflicts today. She has a therapy session at 6PM. Wondering if she comes home after or goes straight out to see him. One would think she'd take a moment by herself to reflect after therapy and not go straight to a bar to get drunk with him. But if she does go to the bar, I will bite my fucking tongue. I will not tell her it is a waste of time, or that it is not helping us, or that she should be with the kids bc she is going out of town, or that I want to punch him in the head. I will put a smile on my face. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. She will come back if I back off and stay strong. She is anxious about her therapy session. I will be there for her if she needs me. But she won't. She needs him not me. She wants a drink more than a hug from me.

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Tue, 05 Jun 2012 23:54:00 -0700 have fun http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/have-fun http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/have-fun

OK, things ended tonight on a good note. No questions, no comments, no discussions tomorrow morning. Laugh if she brings doughnuts. Eat a bunch of them. Do not text her all day unless it is a reply. Tomorrow is trivia night, she will be out with him. Don't even ask. Let it go. It doesn't matter. Talk about your great workout, your bike ride, your stupid work crap. Do not ask for her help getting ready for our weekend trip. DO NOT ask her if she needs help getting ready for her NYC drunk fest with her friends. For the love of god do not let on that you are wondering if he is going. She would tell me right? Don't offer to let her go at 7PM. Furthest thing from your mind. Oh right, trivia night, forgot about that. Sure, it's OK if you want to go a bit early (and spend time with him instead of your children who are desperate to get time with you or your husband who you've wounded and abandoned). Make an extra effort to get the kids laughing. See what a fun happy place our house is? See how fucking great I am? I can handle this crisis with a fucking smile. I can control my anger and sorrow in front of the kids. I can loosen my grip on you. You are not solely responsible for my happiness. You go get drunk with your stupid friends, I'll be here being a kickass dad. Laughing, reading, planning our weekend adventure. Lighten up on the kids. Do not say "fuck" to them. Stay calm. She will start to wonder, why the fuck is getting drunk with these strangers so important to me. Why I am missing my kids lives. Why am I doing this to my husband? Why am I fucking up our future together? Why was I so desperate to escape my house and my family?  No kiss goodbye. No hug. Do not even touch her! Shower, shave, wear a shirt. You are not fucking exhausted or burned out from sleeping two hours a night. You are full of energy. Do not mope. Do not let her feel sorry for you ever again. Head up. Smile. Make her wonder why the fuck you are so fucking happy. Do not ask her to text you later. Tell her she looks great. "Have fun. Hope you guys win tonight! See you in the morning." There is an alternate explaination for all 50 signs that point to an affair. She is not fucking him. She is not fucking him. She is not fucking him.

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Tue, 05 Jun 2012 22:38:00 -0700 hope http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/hope http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/hope

The night ends on a good note. My first genuine smile of the day. A text from her, "I hope we find our way back". My spirits rise and fall on her every word. And probably always will. A bit of anxiety melts away. I might even sleep tonight.

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Tue, 05 Jun 2012 22:14:00 -0700 jack http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/jack http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/jack

Nothing can make me feel good today. I can't even get it up to jerk off. A new low.

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Tue, 05 Jun 2012 21:53:00 -0700 numb http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/numb http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/numb

After dinner in Silverlake with her and the kids, I drove home alone. I was feeling so down today. I asked her who was going with her to her August conference in Vegas, and she immediately assumed I meant him. Geez, what is she planning? And so it comes out. Her friend and this guy and friends going to Vegas later in the month. No word if she's planning to go. Gee, I wonder. She will be hating me if she misses it, and I'll be hating her if she goes. Perfect way to start our family vacation the next day. Fuck I hope she doesn't go. How can she be planning this right now in the middle of this. Oh that's right, she doesn't give a shit about how I feel. She knows that I cannot control her. So fuck me. Of course her cunt friend is doing everything she can to feed this thing. Never crossed her mind to help my wife work things out with me. Give her some fucking space. Reign in the drinks and smoking. I cannot take this thing with this little fucking douchbag anymore. Go the fuck away. Leave my wife and family alone. On the drive home I listened to a sad song. I tried to cry. But I couldn't. Not angry or sad or happy, just nothing. Numb.

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Tue, 05 Jun 2012 21:37:00 -0700 it's nothing http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/its-nothing http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/its-nothing

Realization today that she chose her relationship with him over her relationship with me. Fucking him or not, I'm not sure. Does it matter anymore? The more I pressured her about him, the more she lied, the more secretive she became. She saw him again and again. Until the big confrontation. The ultimatum, she cannot she him again. Her response. She left. So now she has the freedom to see him as much as she wants with no consequence, no questions, no obligatory sex just to shut me up. She circles the truth now. Oh he might meet us, when in fact he's driving her there. She looks at his Facebook profile every day. She deletes her texts to him each time she comes through the door. She's changed her phone password yet again. Probably has changed it a dozen times in the past two weeks. Yep, nothing to hide. Just a friend. It's nothing. So if it's nothing, why didn't she just say, ok I see that me hanging out with this guy is freaking you out, it's nothing, I'll stop going out with him. If it's nothing, why lie to me again and again. If it's nothing, why did you chose to leave me instead of stop seeing him. If he is nothing, and you chose him, what does that make me. What's less than nothing? Invisible. Irrelevant.

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Tue, 05 Jun 2012 14:07:00 -0700 vegas http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/vegas http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/vegas

And so I learn today that she's planning a trip in August to Vegas with her friend and this guy and who knows who else. Fucking August. Two days before our family vacation. She's already written off the summer. Need to get my head right. Set expectations. She is not coming back anytime soon. Three months at least will be spent on this. It would be easier if I knew she was committed to working it out. She isn't sure. Right now I feel like she's going through the motions. She's letting me down easy. Just freeze me out until I get frustrated and give up months from now. Not going to happen. I will not leave my house and kids. I will never give up.

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Tue, 05 Jun 2012 11:06:00 -0700 back off http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/back-off http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/back-off

Despite everything I've read, and the plan I have laid out, I cannot back off. "You are crushing me", she says.

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Mon, 04 Jun 2012 23:21:00 -0700 timeline http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/timeline http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/timeline

Tonight she's says she has no idea how long this will take to resolve. She cannot set a timeline or goals or even a strategy. I am supposed to just go on with the hope that someday, maybe a week, or a month, or a year from now, that she will decide she's going to fuck me over and leave for no reason or move back in. When she moves back, I expect a long of things I need to change.

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Mon, 04 Jun 2012 23:13:00 -0700 realization http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/realization http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/realization

I realize today that all the scrifices and comprimises I made to ensure that she is happy, did the opposite. All the struggle and resentment and anger from the past 10 years had the opposite effect. The more I made her the center of my universe, the more I drove her away. The way back is to find myself, remember who I was before becoming consumed by her. Nothing was ever enough. I gave every ounce of power I had. And instead of being grateful, she hated me for it. I am too much for her. She cannot be solely responsible for my happiness and unhappiness. "Get a life", she says. She's right.

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Mon, 04 Jun 2012 23:10:00 -0700 powerful http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/powerful http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/powerful

Without asking her, I rearranged the upstairs the way I want it to be. She asks, I thought we going to talk about it. I replied, when you move back in we can talk about. It doesn't concern you right now. This is my bedroom, not yours anymore. I joined the gym again with out permission. Felt good.

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Mon, 04 Jun 2012 22:54:00 -0700 research http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/research-53379 http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/research-53379

I bought the book. I'm a self-help junkie now.

http://pathpartners.com/products/survive-your-wifes-midlife-crisis

This little book changed my life. I understand my path through this now. Guess what, being a mopey angry desperate confrontation dick does not make my wife want to come back to me. I needed a book to understand that. I need to get my own shit together, be happy, get healthy, reconnect with friends. Let her go. I cannot control her. She want to be away from me. When did I become an obsessive controlling suspicous psycho. Not sure. Time to get over it. I'm not perfect so we argue a few times during the week. She continues to go out. Just now she stays out late, is with who knows who. No texting, no checking in, no consequences. I am struggling to belive she is not fucking this guy. I cannot stop thinking about it. I discover her phone password. A few texts here and there, but she continues to delete entire threads with him each time through the door. I want to know. I don't want to know. I struggle to remain calm and "be happy". I am trying to be strong, not be a pathetic pussy. My wife calls me a "loser" because my plans for a drink with a friend falls through. She's going out of course, to the dinner party we were both going to. We argue. Fucking stupid setback. I cannot control her. She wants her space. Let her go. Let her figure it out. She will come back. Or so the books says.

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Mon, 04 Jun 2012 22:54:00 -0700 symptoms of wife's midlife crisis http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/symptoms-of-wifes-midlife-crisis http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/symptoms-of-wifes-midlife-crisis

When I first read this post, I couldn't believe it. Spot on. A revelation.

http://pathpartners.com/is-it-a-midlife-crisis

I shared the list with her. She took it well actually. Although there are deeper causes for the underlying depression - her abusive dad. She is undeniably in crisis. I counted 17 of 20 on the list as just dead on. I read it 100 times.

Here's my modified list of symptoms that rang true for my wife.

1. She is depressed and withdrawn – she says she is unhappy and feels lost and empty inside

2. She is discontent and bored with her life and our marriage – she wants a new life which doesn’t include me

3. She is emotionally detached and doesn’t enjoy any of the activities we used to do together

4. She says that she loves me but she’s not “in love with me” – she has cut me off emotionally and physically

5. She says that she feels a lack of personal fulfillment

6. She says she is "going through something" and wants to "take a break” – she says she needs time and space to figure it out

8. She has lost weight, goes to the gym daily and has become obsessive about exercising

9. She pays more attention to her appearance

10. She had or wants a breast augmentation

12. She seeks attention from other men

13. She had or has thought about having an affair with a co-worker, personal trainer, old flame, guy she met in a bar, etc

15. She focuses on herself and is acting selfish

16. She is angry and irritable all the time, and becomes easily agitated over little things

17. She is sarcastic with one cut down after another

18. She spends her spare time on the computer/phone messaging girl friends and guys you don't know

19. She goes out drinking with younger, single friends/co-workers after work and stays out all hours of the night

20. She started living like she was single again – separate vacations, concerts, going out to clubs and bars – anything to avoid being at home in the evening

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Mon, 04 Jun 2012 22:48:00 -0700 research http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/research http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/research

What the fuck is going on? Why is my wife lying to me suddenly about stupid things. Why is she out everynight, drunk and high, exercising like a demon, wearing sexy clothes, with random guys. Stumbling home each night wanting sex. OK, that part was good. And then she's up and gone, "unhappy". She doesn't know why. Didn't take me long to figure it. Although she's struggled with depression since we first met, this was different. She is different. Acting crazy. The answer was surprising, a midlife crisis. Not actually funny at all, despite being the butt of many jokes. The symptoms are clear. What the fuck.

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Mon, 04 Jun 2012 22:32:00 -0700 secrecy and suspicion http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/secrecy-and-suspicion http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/secrecy-and-suspicion

When she leaves, I am pissed. How can she just walk out, "I don't know what's wrong, or when I'll be back". That's fair. You just go off and figure it out, take your time. I'll stay home by myself, and deal with kids. We settle on an arrangement where she comes home early each morning to pretend to sleep here, and then home after work to make dinner and put the kids to sleep, then slips out. It is so hard at first to see her each day. Wanting so desperatly for her to come back, I am lost without her, right? She is cold and angry and sad, and the more I pull she more she pushes. I can't touch her, text her, call her. I am furious and confused and obssessed that she is fucking this other guy. She's since changed the pwd to our shared ATT account, and she gaurds her iPhone like a mother bear gaurds her cubs. She's turned off her iPhone location tracking, changed her phone password, email password, Facebook password, and the password to our bank account. I am in the dark. Angry and suspicious. I give her chance after chance to come clean about the affair, but she denies it again and again. I want so badly to believe her, but every single sign is there. I am fucking forcing myself to belive her despite her repeated lies. "If I was fucking him, I would tell you". I want to believe. He's kind of a little pussy, so maybe she's telling the truth. But if it's nothing, why does she delete his texts each day she comes through the door? Why isn't he a Facebook friend? Maybe she's not fucking him, he's just her emotional support. That makes me feel fucking greaat too. A shoulder to cry on. This guy is trying to fuck my wife. Wishing he would stop.

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Mon, 04 Jun 2012 22:18:00 -0700 the first one http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/the-first-one http://separationanxiety.posterous.com/the-first-one

A couple of months ago, my wife and my life changed. I was busy with work, sleeping a few hours a night for weeks on end. My wife started going out with a friend when I was working. One night, two nights, thre, four, five, even six nights a week. She was out, drinking, smoking pot, and spending a lot of time with a new guy she met, "just friends". I discovered that she was lying to me almost every night about where she was going and who she was with, "I thought you'd be mad". Close to 500 text messages exchanged with him in a month. Missing chunks of time. Secret meetings. She promised not to lie again. She lied the next day, and the next, and the next. Despite being caught and confronted each time, and promising each time to stop. The final straw was a blatant lie, out til 3AM, my fear that she was in an accident, kids out of bed driving to look for her, she's tumbling out of a cab with this guy and her friend, I made a big fucking scene, screaming until dawn. Next day, she's moving out. Taking a break, she needs space, she is suffocated, she is unhappy and has been for a long time. After 13 years of marriage, two amazing kids, good jobs, a nice house, lots of friends, and a pretty great sex life, we are separated. She moved to a friends guest house. That was just over a week ago.

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