vegas

And so I learn today that she's planning a trip in August to Vegas with her friend and this guy and who knows who else. Fucking August. Two days before our family vacation. She's already written off the summer. Need to get my head right. Set expectations. She is not coming back anytime soon. Three months at least will be spent on this. It would be easier if I knew she was committed to working it out. She isn't sure. Right now I feel like she's going through the motions. She's letting me down easy. Just freeze me out until I get frustrated and give up months from now. Not going to happen. I will not leave my house and kids. I will never give up.

timeline

Tonight she's says she has no idea how long this will take to resolve. She cannot set a timeline or goals or even a strategy. I am supposed to just go on with the hope that someday, maybe a week, or a month, or a year from now, that she will decide she's going to fuck me over and leave for no reason or move back in. When she moves back, I expect a long of things I need to change.

realization

I realize today that all the scrifices and comprimises I made to ensure that she is happy, did the opposite. All the struggle and resentment and anger from the past 10 years had the opposite effect. The more I made her the center of my universe, the more I drove her away. The way back is to find myself, remember who I was before becoming consumed by her. Nothing was ever enough. I gave every ounce of power I had. And instead of being grateful, she hated me for it. I am too much for her. She cannot be solely responsible for my happiness and unhappiness. "Get a life", she says. She's right.

powerful

Without asking her, I rearranged the upstairs the way I want it to be. She asks, I thought we going to talk about it. I replied, when you move back in we can talk about. It doesn't concern you right now. This is my bedroom, not yours anymore. I joined the gym again with out permission. Felt good.

research

I bought the book. I'm a self-help junkie now.

http://pathpartners.com/products/survive-your-wifes-midlife-crisis

This little book changed my life. I understand my path through this now. Guess what, being a mopey angry desperate confrontation dick does not make my wife want to come back to me. I needed a book to understand that. I need to get my own shit together, be happy, get healthy, reconnect with friends. Let her go. I cannot control her. She want to be away from me. When did I become an obsessive controlling suspicous psycho. Not sure. Time to get over it. I'm not perfect so we argue a few times during the week. She continues to go out. Just now she stays out late, is with who knows who. No texting, no checking in, no consequences. I am struggling to belive she is not fucking this guy. I cannot stop thinking about it. I discover her phone password. A few texts here and there, but she continues to delete entire threads with him each time through the door. I want to know. I don't want to know. I struggle to remain calm and "be happy". I am trying to be strong, not be a pathetic pussy. My wife calls me a "loser" because my plans for a drink with a friend falls through. She's going out of course, to the dinner party we were both going to. We argue. Fucking stupid setback. I cannot control her. She wants her space. Let her go. Let her figure it out. She will come back. Or so the books says.

symptoms of wife's midlife crisis

When I first read this post, I couldn't believe it. Spot on. A revelation.

http://pathpartners.com/is-it-a-midlife-crisis

I shared the list with her. She took it well actually. Although there are deeper causes for the underlying depression - her abusive dad. She is undeniably in crisis. I counted 17 of 20 on the list as just dead on. I read it 100 times.

Here's my modified list of symptoms that rang true for my wife.

1. She is depressed and withdrawn – she says she is unhappy and feels lost and empty inside

2. She is discontent and bored with her life and our marriage – she wants a new life which doesn’t include me

3. She is emotionally detached and doesn’t enjoy any of the activities we used to do together

4. She says that she loves me but she’s not “in love with me” – she has cut me off emotionally and physically

5. She says that she feels a lack of personal fulfillment

6. She says she is "going through something" and wants to "take a break” – she says she needs time and space to figure it out

8. She has lost weight, goes to the gym daily and has become obsessive about exercising

9. She pays more attention to her appearance

10. She had or wants a breast augmentation

12. She seeks attention from other men

13. She had or has thought about having an affair with a co-worker, personal trainer, old flame, guy she met in a bar, etc

15. She focuses on herself and is acting selfish

16. She is angry and irritable all the time, and becomes easily agitated over little things

17. She is sarcastic with one cut down after another

18. She spends her spare time on the computer/phone messaging girl friends and guys you don't know

19. She goes out drinking with younger, single friends/co-workers after work and stays out all hours of the night

20. She started living like she was single again – separate vacations, concerts, going out to clubs and bars – anything to avoid being at home in the evening

research

What the fuck is going on? Why is my wife lying to me suddenly about stupid things. Why is she out everynight, drunk and high, exercising like a demon, wearing sexy clothes, with random guys. Stumbling home each night wanting sex. OK, that part was good. And then she's up and gone, "unhappy". She doesn't know why. Didn't take me long to figure it. Although she's struggled with depression since we first met, this was different. She is different. Acting crazy. The answer was surprising, a midlife crisis. Not actually funny at all, despite being the butt of many jokes. The symptoms are clear. What the fuck.

secrecy and suspicion

When she leaves, I am pissed. How can she just walk out, "I don't know what's wrong, or when I'll be back". That's fair. You just go off and figure it out, take your time. I'll stay home by myself, and deal with kids. We settle on an arrangement where she comes home early each morning to pretend to sleep here, and then home after work to make dinner and put the kids to sleep, then slips out. It is so hard at first to see her each day. Wanting so desperatly for her to come back, I am lost without her, right? She is cold and angry and sad, and the more I pull she more she pushes. I can't touch her, text her, call her. I am furious and confused and obssessed that she is fucking this other guy. She's since changed the pwd to our shared ATT account, and she gaurds her iPhone like a mother bear gaurds her cubs. She's turned off her iPhone location tracking, changed her phone password, email password, Facebook password, and the password to our bank account. I am in the dark. Angry and suspicious. I give her chance after chance to come clean about the affair, but she denies it again and again. I want so badly to believe her, but every single sign is there. I am fucking forcing myself to belive her despite her repeated lies. "If I was fucking him, I would tell you". I want to believe. He's kind of a little pussy, so maybe she's telling the truth. But if it's nothing, why does she delete his texts each day she comes through the door? Why isn't he a Facebook friend? Maybe she's not fucking him, he's just her emotional support. That makes me feel fucking greaat too. A shoulder to cry on. This guy is trying to fuck my wife. Wishing he would stop.

the first one

A couple of months ago, my wife and my life changed. I was busy with work, sleeping a few hours a night for weeks on end. My wife started going out with a friend when I was working. One night, two nights, thre, four, five, even six nights a week. She was out, drinking, smoking pot, and spending a lot of time with a new guy she met, "just friends". I discovered that she was lying to me almost every night about where she was going and who she was with, "I thought you'd be mad". Close to 500 text messages exchanged with him in a month. Missing chunks of time. Secret meetings. She promised not to lie again. She lied the next day, and the next, and the next. Despite being caught and confronted each time, and promising each time to stop. The final straw was a blatant lie, out til 3AM, my fear that she was in an accident, kids out of bed driving to look for her, she's tumbling out of a cab with this guy and her friend, I made a big fucking scene, screaming until dawn. Next day, she's moving out. Taking a break, she needs space, she is suffocated, she is unhappy and has been for a long time. After 13 years of marriage, two amazing kids, good jobs, a nice house, lots of friends, and a pretty great sex life, we are separated. She moved to a friends guest house. That was just over a week ago.