nyc

She is leaving for NYC tomorrow with a couple friends. I'm not worried anymore that he is going. How could she tell a lie of that magnitude now? I struggled all night not to reach out and touch her. It is torture. She is right there. She looks so beautiful, so thin and strong and healthy. I count in my head how many times we might have made love these past two weeks apart. I daydream about her all day long. Her body and lips pressing against me. Like yesterday and the day before and the day before, I wonder if today is the day she will realize she must come back. But of course it isn't. I am worried about her. Tonight she seems so tired and defeated. Last thing she needs is a drunken weekend of late nights. At least she won't be spending much time thinking about me. So great for her. I told her tonight that she should go away to a spa for a few days. Just get off the grid and relax. This separation is increasing her axiety level. She is short with the kids, everytime I take a deep breath and exhale, she says "what is wrong with you?!". Her therapy session yesterday opened some wounds. It was on her mind all day I think. We bailed on a school thing and had a pretty good family dinner tonight. Not exactly fun but calm at least. When she left tonight she bent down and gave me a good hug. I drank it up. I took a deep breath of her. I felt her warm skin and strong muscles. And then she pulled back and turned away. Two seconds that will sustain me until tomorrow. She is not broken. I love her. I hope she sleeps tonight.

reply

A nice reply to my email.

"I'm not confiding in anyone. Maybe J but otherwise my friends are a big nothing.  They mean nothing but a light, happy good time. It's a means of escape from my own head. I'm not confiding in anyone believe me. I am in serious need of some time alone. It won't last forever. I can only hope you'll still be around. If not, it's my loss and I deserve it."

therapy

She had a hard therapy session tonight, and went straight out for a drink instead of coming home. I guess I would have done the same. She said, I'm not sure if I can do this. She said, it is more than she bargained for, and that she cried the entire time. Broke my heart. I shouldn't have, but I did send her this email.

"It's confusing and heartbreaking that you rely on people who barely know you during this difficult time. I am the one who knows you more than anyone. I understand you more than you know. I feel so helpless texting and emailing. It's a time in which we should be communicating and connecting. An opportunity to open the wounds, clear the old debris, and heal together. A chance to love and trust each other on a deeper level than ever before. I want so much to prove that I can be strong for you in a way that none of your friends could ever possibly be."

I want her to need me, but she doesn't. I want to be her hero, but I am the goat. I make problems worse not better. The time and energy I have poured into her and living with her depression and anxiety and anger and meanness, it is nothing to her now. Somehow she thinks I haven't been there for her, but she is wrong. I am the only one who has been there for her. Not her friends or her family, but me. Maybe I'm not the best communicator and I cannot sit and talk about some things without getting defensive, but I am here. I have supported her and helped her manage this for years. When I met her she was on meds in therapy. I didn't understand it. I knew I couldn't fix her or save her, but she was special, and I knew it from the moment I saw her. I would be her hero, her rock. Where all others had failed - stupid guys just taking advantage of her insecurities trying to get laid, her cheating ex husband, her abusive father - I would succeed. I would be the one constant in the turmoil. I would never abandon her or betray her, not matter she did or said to me. I am not perfect but I have true to that unspoken promise whether she now wants me or not, I held up my end as best I could. 

doughnuts

She did stop for doughnuts, which was fun. A light moment. A tiny connection. Easy morning and some texts from her about our son at a school outing to the beach. One stupid text from me earlier about sending her a pic of me from the gym with my shirt off. Why do I feel compelled to be a fucking idiot? Otherwise chill. Going to make it through the day with no conflicts today. She has a therapy session at 6PM. Wondering if she comes home after or goes straight out to see him. One would think she'd take a moment by herself to reflect after therapy and not go straight to a bar to get drunk with him. But if she does go to the bar, I will bite my fucking tongue. I will not tell her it is a waste of time, or that it is not helping us, or that she should be with the kids bc she is going out of town, or that I want to punch him in the head. I will put a smile on my face. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. She will come back if I back off and stay strong. She is anxious about her therapy session. I will be there for her if she needs me. But she won't. She needs him not me. She wants a drink more than a hug from me.

have fun

OK, things ended tonight on a good note. No questions, no comments, no discussions tomorrow morning. Laugh if she brings doughnuts. Eat a bunch of them. Do not text her all day unless it is a reply. Tomorrow is trivia night, she will be out with him. Don't even ask. Let it go. It doesn't matter. Talk about your great workout, your bike ride, your stupid work crap. Do not ask for her help getting ready for our weekend trip. DO NOT ask her if she needs help getting ready for her NYC drunk fest with her friends. For the love of god do not let on that you are wondering if he is going. She would tell me right? Don't offer to let her go at 7PM. Furthest thing from your mind. Oh right, trivia night, forgot about that. Sure, it's OK if you want to go a bit early (and spend time with him instead of your children who are desperate to get time with you or your husband who you've wounded and abandoned). Make an extra effort to get the kids laughing. See what a fun happy place our house is? See how fucking great I am? I can handle this crisis with a fucking smile. I can control my anger and sorrow in front of the kids. I can loosen my grip on you. You are not solely responsible for my happiness. You go get drunk with your stupid friends, I'll be here being a kickass dad. Laughing, reading, planning our weekend adventure. Lighten up on the kids. Do not say "fuck" to them. Stay calm. She will start to wonder, why the fuck is getting drunk with these strangers so important to me. Why I am missing my kids lives. Why am I doing this to my husband? Why am I fucking up our future together? Why was I so desperate to escape my house and my family?  No kiss goodbye. No hug. Do not even touch her! Shower, shave, wear a shirt. You are not fucking exhausted or burned out from sleeping two hours a night. You are full of energy. Do not mope. Do not let her feel sorry for you ever again. Head up. Smile. Make her wonder why the fuck you are so fucking happy. Do not ask her to text you later. Tell her she looks great. "Have fun. Hope you guys win tonight! See you in the morning." There is an alternate explaination for all 50 signs that point to an affair. She is not fucking him. She is not fucking him. She is not fucking him.

numb

After dinner in Silverlake with her and the kids, I drove home alone. I was feeling so down today. I asked her who was going with her to her August conference in Vegas, and she immediately assumed I meant him. Geez, what is she planning? And so it comes out. Her friend and this guy and friends going to Vegas later in the month. No word if she's planning to go. Gee, I wonder. She will be hating me if she misses it, and I'll be hating her if she goes. Perfect way to start our family vacation the next day. Fuck I hope she doesn't go. How can she be planning this right now in the middle of this. Oh that's right, she doesn't give a shit about how I feel. She knows that I cannot control her. So fuck me. Of course her cunt friend is doing everything she can to feed this thing. Never crossed her mind to help my wife work things out with me. Give her some fucking space. Reign in the drinks and smoking. I cannot take this thing with this little fucking douchbag anymore. Go the fuck away. Leave my wife and family alone. On the drive home I listened to a sad song. I tried to cry. But I couldn't. Not angry or sad or happy, just nothing. Numb.

it's nothing

Realization today that she chose her relationship with him over her relationship with me. Fucking him or not, I'm not sure. Does it matter anymore? The more I pressured her about him, the more she lied, the more secretive she became. She saw him again and again. Until the big confrontation. The ultimatum, she cannot she him again. Her response. She left. So now she has the freedom to see him as much as she wants with no consequence, no questions, no obligatory sex just to shut me up. She circles the truth now. Oh he might meet us, when in fact he's driving her there. She looks at his Facebook profile every day. She deletes her texts to him each time she comes through the door. She's changed her phone password yet again. Probably has changed it a dozen times in the past two weeks. Yep, nothing to hide. Just a friend. It's nothing. So if it's nothing, why didn't she just say, ok I see that me hanging out with this guy is freaking you out, it's nothing, I'll stop going out with him. If it's nothing, why lie to me again and again. If it's nothing, why did you chose to leave me instead of stop seeing him. If he is nothing, and you chose him, what does that make me. What's less than nothing? Invisible. Irrelevant.